| When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak. |
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Posted on the 24th of November 24th, 2009
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Yesterday was pretty amazing.
Sent Seran off in the airport round 7 ish to 9 ish cos' his flight was delayed like O:
Swear I almost cried when he texted me and called me and everything. I know how everything may change and I just didn't want to breathe for awhile... He made school alot better for me in a whole and he is the one guy who took me in when no one did, when the 3 of them left me out and wanted drama he pulled me away and let me feel accepted somewhere. And that changed so much because I learnt to be strong, not to rely on crappy people and instead have fun with the right bunch. It was him, Sean and I at first, we were the three musketeers (Not that Sean remembers), had fun with the blood from piercings and they were the only guys who saw me in dresses. And when SEAN disapproved of what I wore I immediately went to buy a change of clothes to please SEAN. I remember it all... We had innocent fun just being with each other and that was amazing. We didn't need anything else. No boyfriends, no crazy working out to get buff, no alcohol, no cigarettes. I love you Seran so very much. You made my days so much brighter, made my school life worth bragging about. We will always be crazy, like that day after my alumni concert when we got so drunk and ... ... HAHA. Seriously I love you so much and I will miss you so badly. Things will change ultimately and i'm hurt but nevertheless not afraid because I'll be able to press play from back where we paused yesterday and I know we can still be the same. This isn't stop, this is pause and we'll come back to this chapter when you return.
Anyway went to Wes' place and woke him and Sab up later! Played monopoly, then Raymond came and we played mahjong and then daidee and then chang jie came and we played fifa... Thanks Wes for making me feel so much better and patting my head and shit hahahaha! Then I left for homeeeee.
Met G in abit, crazy fun then off to laupatsat! HAHA. *chokes* Kk ordered horrible food at first so I went to talk to the uncle from the stall and told him it was impossible this was a 10 buck order cause it looks measly! Then he came back with another plate so we kinda payed 10 bucks for two plates which was wow. Ate Stingray, HK noodles, mee goreng, gong gong, and beeeeef hahahaha. Spent alot of money srsly, but the food was good and the company amazing hahaha. After eating we sat and talked and blah and then mom went crazy on me over the phone so I called dad and went crazy on him over the phone and then we ended up at Chevron waiting for my dad. I asked G to leave cause I didn't want him to miss his train and then I met up with my half drunk father who was laughing at everything I said. Texted G cos' I was afraid and shit... Home and I didn't say more than a sentence to Mom, she seems to be getting on my nerves lately, pushing all the wrong buttons. I know she cares and stuff but I am working soon and life will suck so let me live for abit before I drown myself in everything.
Today I miss you Seran. Hopefully you do too.
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| I wish you were a stranger I could disengage. |
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Posted on the 24th of November 24th, 2009
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I am in over my head, i've lost grasp of everything I once held so strongly within me. This is all your doing. You were the one who set me up for bigger, brighter things, changed me for the better, made me leave my horrid ways because you taught me I could live differently, be better than them. Then you left and suddenly I need you to be around to take care of me. Suddenly I realise I can't keep myself from being the same. I need you to keep my hands away from my addictions. I can't help it that I can't seem to function as per norm' like in a year ago. I want you around to comfort me when my family is giving me the creeps, you get me, you get my hatred and you just let me live and let go. Why is it that I hated it all when it was all happening. I regretted it all because I wanted to live in the moment, and now i'm so afraid to be in the moment. I am so afraid to sink deeper cause you are no longer here to catch me as I submerge into the deep waters. I am losing myself in everything I never wanted.
Maybe I thought I was stronger and maybe its time it sunk in, maybe things were okay then so I took it all for granted and maybe now realization is my only option. Can I tick the box beside your name?
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| Cause all I see is a shattered conscience staring right back at me. |
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Posted on the 22nd of November 22nd, 2009
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 You put me in your arms and you twirled me around in circles, I couldn't feel my feet and I thought I would have been flung onto the road with oncoming cars waiting to have me for dinner. But I trusted you and it was amazing. You were amazing.Cause I believe you'd unfold your paper heart and wear it on your sleeve, be mine tonight, every night. |
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Posted on the 21st of November 21st, 2009
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Just came back from nys birthday chalet! Haha happy birthday my crraaazzzyyy girlfriend. Me loves you alot!
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| I have a feeling... |
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Posted on the 19th of November 19th, 2009
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At my makeshift office in Sentosa now. Kinda here since like 7AM, woke at frickin 4 plus in the morning. Inhumane job, but it pays well. The aircon is fricking cold it sucked the tears out of my eyeballs. Lips are getting chapped too. Times like these I wonder how it's like to have you around. N took a photo of me and I used the company's printer to have it developed heheh, there are frames so I framed it too lol im a thief so what? :)
ONE HOUR OF SLEEP + CUP OF COFFEE + CUP OF TEA + 4 SANDWICHES + DENIM JACKET, survival! Brave the chills, gain energy and beat sleepiness!
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| Say it isn't so, tell me you're not leaving. |
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Posted on the 18th of November 18th, 2009
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It's as though there may be dissonance between us, I can't be this way and allow you guys to be changing. Maybe this is it, maybe yesterday marked the end of the many days and nights we spent together, maybe all we thought we worked for isn't that awesome after all, maybe you just can't have everyone in the same platter, we're bound to fall out and this is so scary. I can't embrace this change. I can embrace breaking up, making shit friends, changing genres in my playlist, finally wearing jeans but I can't embrace losing you guys. You make school life thus far fulfilling and I want this to last forever so badly, but the numbers will drop and I fear ten years down the road there won't be a reunion after all. Will we still spend nights together? Will you still cry and not hesitate to tell me? Will you wake up in the wee hours and want to call me for company? Can we make this last forever?
Yesterday night was good, you guys were great and everything seemed candy-land perfect for a moment or two... I got numb legs from Wes knocking out on me but it was worth it. Watched the stars together, sang songs... I can't say this end marks the beginning of something new because I don't want it to all start yet.
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| I like where we are, here. |
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Posted on the 16th of November 16th, 2009
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I keep pressing the square on my iPhone hoping you texted me back.. Whisper, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly."
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Posted on the 10th of November 10th, 2009
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I feel all mixed all over, this is too fast!
Coral bow!
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clashedhearts's journal
